La Vida Loca de Melissa

~Lil Wayne

A girl does what she has to do to protect her heart. I'm glad I did it cuz I still (for unknown reasons) kinda miss him. And missing him (after everything that has happened) makes me feel so incredible stupid and weak. :( I hate it. Blocking him from every part of my life was just my way of protecting myself. But I'll probably always wonder "Does he still think about me?" (cuz let me tell you, I heard the beginning of a Ferry Corsten song the other day and my stomach started doing flip flops and I had to turn it off. PISSED me off cuz that was MY music first!!!!) Ugh, I hate being a girl. We have to deal with such a chaotic whirlwind of emotions. :(

Everyone has to watch this, i insist!!! LOL Don't let the name scare you, it's a really good show (this is coming from someone who doesn't watch tv)

http://www.hulu.com/dirty-sexy-money

Let's get this straight: I don't care that you have your opinion. I love that about our country - FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!! It's great! I love it!! I really really do! But why is it ok for you to march down the street for the things that you believe in and donate to causes that you believe in, but if I DON'T participate or donate or partake in something because I don't believe in it, I'm automatically a hypocritical psychotic religious homophobe? Seems like a double standard to me. If you can have your opinion, aren't I allowed to have mine? I can understand if you wanted to say that about me if I were protesting against the things you're protesting for yelling about how gay people are going to hell, but I'm just choosing to not participate...... Soooooo the next time you want to tell me to "watch what I say in public" if you over hear me having a quiet private conversation with my family that you don't agree with I'm going to find your car and rip off that fancy lil "COEXIST" sticker you got on your bumper and punch you in the face the next time you wanna preach about freedom of speech, k?? kthanxbi! </end rant>

Chicken noodle soup and orange juice and lots of sleep

I used to love cuddling with my charlie brown baby blanket but it's been missing for a few years :'( if it's not in storage someone will surely die.

 Didn't LJ used to have a feature where it would spit out a random journal for you to read?

I feel so unbelievably guilty still. I didn't realize I was capable of hurting people like I did...... This song should be dedicated to me:

I just finished watching the movie "Chapter 27" about Mark David Chapman - honestly, I had no idea the guy was still alive until after the movie. Then I understood why Lennon fans were so upset about the movie being made. But after I read more about him, a few things suck with me. Maybe this is just "typical Melissa" wanting to see good in everybody, but I don't fully believe they guy is after fame anymore, and I whole heartedly believe, crazy or not, he believes in God, and his intentions of confession and pleading guilty were legitimately good. He openly admits that he was in a very dark place, he was not in the right state of mind, but his actions were inexcusable. Sorry Lennon fans, but from a Christian stand point, I think even this man can be forgiven - regardless of his sanity. But people hate him because he murdered an icon, and they just can't let go of this. It makes me very sad.

The most fascinating thing that stood out to me throughout all of this more than anything though is that his wife, who he married a year before he murdered John Lennon, is still with him, and still visits him in prison to this day. Here's a woman who could have (and probably would have, had it been any other woman) said "get this psycho out of my life!" and divorced him ASAP. But instead, she stood up and said "No, I'm a Christian woman and I don't believe in divorce" and not only stuck by that statement, but has stood by and supported her husband for the past 28 years he's been in prison. I believe that is a HUGE testimony to every Christian woman in world. And it really warms my heart to know that underneath all the darkness and hatred and nastiness this story is covered with, God is using it. The incident is tragic in so many ways - John Lennon was murdered in front of his wife (however horrid the woman is, nobody deserves that kind of torment) and a five year old boy lost his daddy (and the poor thing had to be raised by that vile woman.....). But God has a tremendous way of using horrible incidents like this for good, and with all the publicity this incident has gotten for the past 28 years, people are refusing to see this - instead they see a psychotic man who killed someone to gain fame for himself.

In his 2006 parole board hearing, when asked if he did it to become famous, Chapman said "The result would be that I would be famous, the result would be that my life would change and I would receive a tremendous amount of attention, which I did receive... I was in a very confused, dark place. I was looking for reasons to vent all that anger and confusion and low self-esteem." He stated that "I believe that if I really wanted to, I could have changed my mind; I had ample opportunity to do it and I didn't do it and I regret that deeply."

I don't believe people ever recover 100% from mental health issues, so I don't believe this man is "cured" and "now sees the light", but I believe he's had a lot of help recognizing what was going on with himself at that time and because of that has healed a great deal and is definitely a lot more mentally stable than he was when he commited murder. I also don't believe he should be released from prison - #1 for his own safety, but also because who's to say something isn't going to trigger this guy and he'll snap and go off the deep end again? I think he's one of those people that God is using in a very demanding place right now - He has the chance to share his story and testimony with other people just like him.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm babbling at this point - I just felt the need to share that I view this story in a completely different light than the majority of the world. I forgive Mark David Chapman, and his wife's marital devotion has really touched my heart. :)

[[PEACE.LOVE.UNITY.RESPECT]]


I NEED TO GO TO A RAAAAAAAAAAAAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's my delimma:

1) My husband is like 100% against raves because

a) (as much as I love him) he's extremely judgmental and all male ravers are pigs and I'm bound to get raped... (a few of his female friends were raped at raves, but let's face it: he used to associate with a hella shady moral lacking crew.... The only nasty guys I've seen at these clubs were the TWO that were dancing up on some ho that looked like a stripper!! I'm talkin plastic heals and crop top and the whole bit!) Anyway, I just really need to LET LOOSE!!!! But from my research is sounds like honolulu clubs (no matter how good their scene) are really into drugs!!! I'm from PORTLAND hello, so it's not like I'm not used to that, but they're at least discrete about it! Aside from the guy pressuring me to take X (which Atom saved my from btw) the only drug run-ins I've come across are "hey do you know where I can get some X?" or "Do you know where I can get shrooms?" that's it. And that stripper lookin' thing I was talkin bout earlier.... she's the only one that's ever hit on me at a rave!! You just need to know what kind of clubs you're going to, that's the key. I went to 2 shows at the 415, and when I went to Fire and Epidural, EVERYONE was talking about how awful and disgusting and shady the 415 was. And they were COOL people! I'm talkin hippies of the new millennium they're just great!!! so yeah, I need to talk to my husband and find some clubs to go to. He said that as long as I'm safe, that's all that matters! :-D He knows I'm not gonna cheat on him. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, I didn't even sleep with him til we were married!!! I took my vows before GOD!! I don't mess around with that seriousness!!! Sorry! :-D


I love my husband. :)

my interview is tomorrow. you don't know the stress i'm under right now.... so much to do. i still have to take a shower. 

and this stupid lip retainer is pissing me off!!

Do you WANT to know my drama right now??? seriously, I feel like i'm living in Days of Our Lives....

3 Days ago: Josh calls me and tells me he doesn't want to be with his girlfriend,  because he feels like she cares more about her cat than she does about her. he wants to be with me.

Today: Josh calls to tell me that he's getting deployed to Iraq for 6 months. My initial reaction: Dear GOD, don't let him die.... My selfish reaction: Where does that leave us??

Tonight: Jene', Tabor and I go to a rave downtown.... guess who's on the stage?? Jeff. My ex.... Josh's best friend... the one I wrote a letter to telling him I needed to cut him out of my life cuz he hurts me... then he responded with a fucking LIST of  blames and accusations toward me and how I fucked up the relationship.... anyway. he was on the stage, then EVERYONE went to smoke and when they all came back in, I didn't see him for like 20 minutes so I assumed he was gone...... then he walked by me about 3 times ("I'M EMO!! I NEED ATTENTION!! NOTICE MEEEEE!!!")  then we leave cuz he's too close for comfort.

"Josh will make me feel better," I say. I call josh. Josh doesn't answer.

After lots of pictures and a video of burning mine and jeff's prom pic to the song "Puke" by Eminem,  Jene and I have a conversation about crap, and I check my phone. I have a voicemail from josh screaming "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!!!" so I call him.

He just broke up with his girlfriend and he's devestated because he was in love with her....

Where does that leave me?  I can't tell you... can I tell you in like... a few days? weeks? I dunno. I only update this thing when I have drama in my life.... maybe I should update more? I dunno... LJ (as much as I love it for venting) is just so high school. It's hard for me to update the normalities in my life. So here!! Let me present to you:

Stupid. stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid! stupid boys. stupid girls. stupid drama. stupid people. stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

< / rant >

it's really sad when you google search the name of an old friend and the only match results you get are from multnomah county sheriff's office 24-hour booking log.

yeah.... assault and menacing.

Changed my mind! Don't care what you're up to!!

it snowed yesterday. The roads outside my house are still covered and icy so Melissa's not going to work today.......

I'm so bored guys.....

I might take my snowboard out. Not that I would know how to use it, but ya know, it might cure my boredom at least for a while.

Song: "Money, Success, Fame, Glamour" by Felix Da Housecat
Starring: Paige Michalchuck
Size:12.5MB
Vidder: Melissa Rae
Click the picture to watch the video at youtube, or download the video from filefront here

Alex + Paige music video

( Link & info behind the cut )

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